On love and happiness x
With a new year comes new adventures, tragedies, bad times and good.
January of last year I had began to let someone new slowly come into my life. With such a dramatic, amazing, scary, spotlight of an experience of my past relationship. It came a lot harder for me to let this one even start. The last time I didn't see it coming. I jumped in head first without having any idea how to swim. It was scary, amazing, eye opening and life changing. I was unaware of my surroundings but didn't know any better or frankly didn't care. I was in love. Some of the most amazing and horrid episodes of my life were in those few years. I became much more wise as I had lived through the aftermath of it all crashing down. I began to recognize sincerity, love, and most of all, self respect and happiness. After a year of being on my own, I never felt better about myself and what was going for me. I traveled Europe, I did a shoot in Paris, I hosted my very first workshop and shot at New York Fashion week, I met new people, I drank too much, I made mistakes and I learned. I learned so much about myself that I couldn't believe that I was missing out on this much before. I was free. I was a bit of a happy hurricane that was taking me wherever the wind blew. I was loving my job more than ever, realizing that when I'm focused on myself, the possibilities are more than I could ever imagine. I felt more independent than I had ever felt before. Being 20 years old, and figuring this out, I felt on top of the world.
So, the more wise, "new me" could recognize a disaster from a far. I wasn't about to slip into something that I didn't want to, not this time. Without diving in and becoming naive to my surroundings, I held back. A lot. I thought, if I'm so happy right now, doing what I love, with the closest knit family and the most amazing friends, why the heck would I let someone come in and take over?? It seemed dumb to me to even consider that. I was happy alone so what more did I want? After much resistance I began to dip my toes in and slowly give someone a chance. I was timid and still unconvinced. I was fully aware and in control of what I was taking on. So sure not to be blinded. This time it was about me and I wasn't about to compromise. Why should anyone?
Over a few months, I was still focusing on myself but letting someone else fall in to place as well. We grew into a strong relationship built on trust and friendship. I was so cautious of not neglecting the happiness and goals that I had already set for myself, but I became open to putting energy into someone else too. I kept a level balance of career, friends, school and love. I got lucky. He was amazing. He was there for selfless advice and constant encouragement. He made sure I was inspired to aim higher and keeping the momentum going. He made me laugh, he loved adventure and he loved me when I was nearly impossible to love. He became my best friend. Nothing worth having comes easy. We had some amazing times and some not so amazing times, like anything. But one thing I stuck with was the saying that "Everything is temporary" good or bad. Now as I look back, it was a perfect example of what we had. He was temporary. We were temporary.
I don't regret a thing that happened in that short chapter but it taught me something so valuable, something I couldn't have learned on my own. It taught me that it's possible to be happy alone, but it's also possible to be just as happy with someone else. That was totally new to me. The difference was this time he wasn't my happiness, he wasn't holding me back, he was along for my adventure. My carefree living didn't stop with him, he simply joined.
As I learned self respect, I learned what to compromise and what not to compromise. I strongly believe in walking away from things that no longer serve us. So I had to walk away. I think the world of him and couldn't have chose a better way to teach me those things.
Here's to being in love. And here's to being alone.
And a happy, carefree New Year with endless adventure and happiness.
xx